What Matters Most in This Holiday Season

Here I am. In Thailand. Faced with the holiday season away from family and familiar traditions again.  And as much as I love our community here and have come to enjoy a tropical Christmas, the part of my being that still clings to my home culture wants to make it memorable. Charming. Meaningful. I slip into creating lists and plans to pull off my carefully crafted ideas so that Thanksgiving and Christmas will feel special here. I wonder if you do the same, whether or not you find yourself at “home” this year. But lately, I’ve sensed the Spirit’s reminder that those curated moments are not what matters most.

Last week, my husband and I went on a date (hurray!). After some scattered talk about upcoming events,  Troy leaned back in his beanbag chair and shifted the conversation. “How do you feel we’re doing with the kids?” he asked.

I took another bite of my pineapple fried rice and pondered the slow-moving river beside us before answering. “I’ve had really great connection times with both of them lately, so I think we’re doing well.” And suddenly, as I said those words, I realized that my whole metric for parenting—for life—has morphed over the past couple of years. I no longer measure success based on what we’re doing or not doing.

The Do-ENough metric

The measuring rod of are-we-doing-the-right-things is being laid aside as I’ve recognized it for what it really is: comparison.

Comparison to some picture-perfect view of family. Are the kids well-behaved enough? Are we creating lasting memories? Do the kids do enough chores? 

Comparison to an idealized marriage. Do we date enough? Talk enough? Handle stress well? 

Comparison to an unrealistic ideal of self. Do I eat well? Am I exercising enough? Do people like to be around me? 

Comparison to an over-spiritualized relationship with God. Do I read the Bible enough? Are my prayers deep? What spiritual disciplines am I lacking?

These aren’t bad questions, and we need targets of health, both physically and relationally. But they aren’t the question. Instead, they can become check-list items, badges of success, infusers of either pride or shame. If I’m doing the “right” things, then I’m okay. If I’m not, then I’ve failed. But according to whose standard? If we live by this metric of doing, we become performance-oriented. And that’s an empty place to live. (I should know. I’ve spent a lot of time there.)

The Connection Metric

The question, I believe, is this: How have I connected … with others? With self? With God?

When connection becomes my primary metric, I have the freedom to live out of grace as wide as the day is long. Connection can look different with every person in every situation. Even the ways we connect with God are unique, each having our own love language with Him. We were made for this.

With or without a basic belief that God created us for connection, we see it. We recognize it in the children who thrive in a loving family and in those who struggle without secure bonding. It’s all over the face of secular spirituality because connection is hard-wired into every fiber of our being.

Renowned research professor, Brené Brown, known for her talks on courage and vulnerability says this:

“A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all people. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.”

Brené Brown

Eye to Eye and Heart to Heart

There is one specific area of connection-building that God just keeps pestering me about. Eye contact.

To be perfectly honest, eye contact makes me uncomfortable. Like squirmy and silly and awkward. If I’m telling you a personal story, I’m probably glancing around the room, using lots of hand gestures, and only making brief eye contact. I can’t, for the life of me, figure out how to speak about what’s on my heart while gazing into someone else’s eyes. And I think that’s in part because it’s such a powerful part of connection that I feel vulnerable, exposed even, if I hold eye contact while telling you about myself.

Listening is different for me. I can look into your eyes while you talk, no problem. And while I’m doing so, I’m essentially reading what is written in your heart behind your words. In Luke 11:34, Jesus describes the eyes as the lamp of the body. A window to the soul that portrays either a house filled with light or darkness. And I wonder when others look into my eyes what they see. Do they see light? Do they see fear of rejection? Do they see exhaustion or striving or hope? 

True connection takes courage. We must let ourselves be seen and known in order to connect.

Not too long ago, God challenged me to make eye contact with myself. This is a bit weird, I’ll admit, but holding my own gaze in the mirror is both uncomfortable and healing. To truly know myself, accept myself, even love myself, I must connect with myself. My true self. Not the polished self I like to present to people. How can I invite the Spirit to work in the depths of my soul if I don’t even know what’s in there? I can’t let go of what I don’t realize I cling to. 

So I’m learning to be brave and look past the surface. Past the exterior. Through the eyes and into the heart. 

And I wonder, what would it be like to gaze into Jesus’ eyes? Oh, I can imagine it, those eyes ablaze with love and passion, filled with peace and purpose. That gaze both inviting and piercing. Someday I’ll see Him face to face, and then I’ll know. My faith will be made sight. I’ll lock eyes with the Lover of my soul and know just how worth it every breath of worship was. 

Until then, though, can I find connection with Jesus in my everyday comings and goings? 

Can I receive my morning waking as His gentle nudge? 

Can I feel the sunshine on my cheeks as His smile or the rain as His tears? 

Can I comb my daughter’s hair as a gift to my King or receive my son’s embrace as the arms of Forgiveness? 

Can my eating and my sweeping and my driving and my laughter be communion with the Savior? 

Can I be ever-present and ever-connected to the One who bridged heaven and earth to restore connection to me?

Awake to His love, thankful for His nearness, aware of His hand, yes. Yes, every moment is an opportunity to delight in heart to heart connection with my Father, His Son, and the sweet Spirit.

As we enter the Holiday season with our ideas of picture-perfect moments, traditions that must be upheld, desires to celebrate meaningfully, and even plans to love and serve, let us not forget that boxes checked do not give us what our souls most crave. 

Connection is the gift, the question, and the answer.

We don’t need to do more in order to connect well. Sometimes all it takes is a moment or two of eye to eye and heart to heart. Just pause, hold His gaze, and listen. Free yourself from the lists and the subtle comparisons, and simply accept the extended hand of Grace.

I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you’re joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can’t produce a thing.

John 15:5 The Message

How can you kindle a deeper connection in your relationships in the coming scuttle of holiday events? Ask God to show you how He is desiring to connect with your heart right now.